1ngi: (looks a *bit* like me)
posted by [personal profile] 1ngi at 01:48am on 19/05/2014 under , , ,
I read this post today on Helen Boyd's blog about 'Advice to a Wife.

While you can't really give out check lists about wether or not to stay or leave a relationship, I thought it was worth writing down my own points that helped me answer the question. I'm putting it here because the site is mainting my comment is spammy (prob coz it's so long) and I emailed it to Helen in case it is of any use at all.

A so-called checklist for a trans partner... )
1ngi: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] 1ngi at 01:50pm on 02/07/2013 under , ,
"Like many people I welcome the progress made on the Same Sex Marriage Bill and this law will be something to celebrate and be proud in the progress of human rights. I would like to thank you for your work and the role you played.

However it's because of human rights that I must urge you to reconsider the impact on the lives of transgender people - I was dismayed to learn of the amendment that requires a trans person to obtain the consent of their spouse in order to gain a GRC.
Rest of my letter... )

If you'd like to send a message to Baroness Stowell asking her to drop the spousal veto, you can do it here:
1ngi: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] 1ngi at 04:04pm on 05/06/2011 under ,
To slightly paraphrase Andrew Billen on writing about The Time Travellers Wife some years ago now, it seems to me that too often, heterosexual marriage is a partnership in which only the male is conceded the privilege of absence.

It's taken a long time for me to understand the themes encountered in that book. And like the author, I can see it much more clearly now in the light of several failed relationships. More recently I can see it as a really good explanation of what it is like to be in a relationship with someone who suffering from depression or bi-polar disorder or some other debilitating illness.

"It's hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he's okay. It's hard to be the one who stays."

—Clare

I knew a couple once, J— and D—. She lived in London and was the head stained glass expert for English Heritage. He, I believe, was from a cadet line of some bit of the Irish ascendancy, renting a pile from the National Trust in Wiltshire. Having turned his back on familial expectations, he became one of the most highly regarded cabinet maker and carpenters in the country. He would ask her to marry him, on average, at least once a year. This went on for years with her coming up to the country at weekends. Her reasons for saying no were that while she loved him, she loved her life and her job. One year, D— asked if he could promise her the status quo, would she yes? She said yes, and they carried on as happily as they had before.

They were a good chunk older then I was at the time (I was 28 when they wed) and I remember being a bit shocked that they might consider being so 'apart' while still being married. But at that time I had yet to experience a relationship where that kind of communication and trust existed. I had however already experienced plenty of the absence that Wife is an allegory of.

I think I was a little bit in love with D— actually and I remember thinking that I longed to be cherished the way he lavished J— with his quiet adoration. However I have to be fair and remember that J— cared for him demonstrably too. During the short weekends she was with him, he had a ritual of taking her breakfast in bed with the papers and a rose cut from the garden. I would hear the sounds of them talking and laughing down the hall. She would cook huge Sunday lunches and make sure all his grown-up kids were round the table to make a bit of a fuss of their dad (and any waifs and strays like me and my other half at the time). It wasn't perfect of course. But on occasions I think they came close. I think their secret was that they never stopped 'courting'.

I realise now that while they had many times apart, they made every effort to make sure that they were not absent from each other. And that is what I think I was envious of.

I still am.
1ngi: (Default)
Things are a little, well, rushed at the moment.

We celebrated five years of being together by heading down to London to re-create the date that started it all off. This included deciding to get back on the tube after we got off at Russell St so that we could journey to Holborn and go and have a snog on the same spot in the station where we had five years before. Read more... ) 

My health has taken a sudden down-turn recently and it is clear that the hypothyroid problems that my family are prone to (sister, mother, mother's aunt, mother's uncle) are going to be my lot. Read more... )

On the wealth front, and also our longer term happiness front, we've had an offer on the house and so we are looking for a new home. With a business attached. In Wales. Read more... )

Oh yes, mustn't forget - the garden is cropping well. We are currently eating new potatoes, carrots and tomatoes. We've polished off the spring onions (really wish I'd sown more) and green beans are on their way. Still having trouble with squash - last year my butternuts all rotted off after flowering and it's happening again on the courgettes. Supposed to be due to damp - but it's been really dry this year. It's a mystery.

Wonderfully exciting and too exciting. My head is spinning - but that could be down to more than one thing.

Gosh.
1ngi: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] 1ngi at 07:33pm on 19/07/2010 under , , ,
Following on from my Disney Princesses post, I've been trying to find intelligent discussions about the above online. I've just been recommended this article from the New Scientist (thank you [livejournal.com profile] snorkel_maiden ) and it suggests that the differences between men and women are not as great as we have been led to believe and nurture may have a lot more to answer for. Which I find hopeful - because it means we have more agency to change things.

The reason I've become so interested in the dearth of discussion around the damage sexism can do to men is pretty selfish actually. I'm a feminist, it's one of the reasons I went to work for Oxfam when I did, and there I learned so much about the gender equity movement and how it these things have to be challenged at the individual level to get anywhere. I hate seeing anyone being hurt by sexism, but I simply get enraged when I find it directing the dynamics of the relationships I have with those around me. The vein in my head gets REALLY big.

There was that stupid oven cleaner bag thing advert that claims is "so simple even a MAN can do it". Was it trying to be ironic? I can only hope so. That very obvious sexism is blatant and most will see the stupidity in embracing it. But the sexism I really worry about is the sort that uses misogyny to shore up acceptable 'red-blooded' male identity with a lovely dollop of gay-bashing on the side.
Read more... )

So if you could all stop shoring up your identities with that nasty intersection between misogyny and homophobia by tomorrow that would be great thanks.  And those of you that already have already managed this, please do mention it now and again. It would REALLY help a bundle. Ta.
1ngi: (friendship)
posted by [personal profile] 1ngi at 05:49pm on 12/07/2010 under , , ,
I was born at the end of 1967. In the 12 months before, two sisters, Mary and Marion, died within six months of each other. Mary was my maternal Grandmother and I find myself fascinated by her and the fact that we just 'missed' each other.

It's like walking into a hallway and noticing a door at the other end closing. You fancy that you can see the shadow of the person leaving through the gap between the doorstep and the door.

Read more... )
1ngi: (beloved)
posted by [personal profile] 1ngi at 11:11pm on 04/12/2009 under , ,


I've often wondered if mammals have an innate snuggliness. So many creatures curl up for warmth and comforting contact. It seems almost wrong to admit that as well as loving feelings, I find myself wanting to snuggle for warmth and the pleasure of close human contact.

The first time we slept together - and I mean went to sleep in the same bed - we automatically spooned. Even though it was our first time, it felt as if we had been doing it for years. We seemed to fit perfectly into each others contours. Both of us were pleasantly surprised with just how right it felt. In previous long-term relationships I never attained that level of shared intimate contentment that I did on that first night in July 2005.
1ngi: (Default)
posted by [personal profile] 1ngi at 12:02pm on 30/06/2009 under , ,
Just back from a few days in Wales visiting my Mum. She's getting married in August and a more laid back couple I have yet to meet. The invitations should have gone out already - so I drafted it all up for them in the hope that it will make things easier. They've asked me to officiate/MC their day which I am a bit nervous about - mainly due to the cat herding element.

My neck went again while I was there - I think due to the too-soft and elderly bed. Fortunately I had an appointment with the Chiro chappy this morning so he was able to sort it out but he wants to see me again later this week. I'm a bit fed up about that because things had improved to the point where I had got the twice weekly sessions down to twice monthly and I'm in danger of running out of funds.

There is a bit of a family crisis going on at the moment too, my sister and brother-in-law who have been together for 16 years and married for nine of them are going through a bloody awful time and it looks like it's over. I wish with all my heart that I could do something that would make it better for them and their little boy. All I can do is listen and make sure that I'm there for her. I'm finding it quite triggery and keep  being so grateful for Siôn and his kind heart. I've been feeling as if relationships are terribly fragile and should be handled like delicate porcelain. So many people seem to kick theirs around like an old tin can. You can only do that for so long before metal fatigue sets in and then one more clunk shatters it into irreparable shards.

My attic is almost finished - I now have a desk and a craft table and my art stuff is all up there. Need to move a bit more furniture and it will be done. My very own studyo (portmanteau of studio and study of course). Which make me very happy. This in turn will mean that we gain access into the spare-room-to-be (first room at top of stairs) and I can hopefully start painting soon. And so the great furniture-slidey-puzzle-of-doom that is this house moves once more.

The garden is very lush and we are currently cropping carrots, lettuce, land-cress, sorrel and broccoli. I'm becoming a terrible pest to Siôn because I keep asking him to harvest the potatoes. I'm SURE they're ready!?

And on the work front, I have 'two in the bush' but none'in the hand' so to speak. This may be different by the end of the week. We'll just have to wait and see. Despite the trials of life, I'm feeling reasonably up actually. I guess I should just take things a little gently and smell the flowers.
1ngi: (Married Life)
posted by [personal profile] 1ngi at 05:59pm on 10/04/2009 under , ,
The year went quickly. Not painlessly but passionately and deeply felt.

We have had a lazy morning in bed having snuggles, exchanging presents and remembering what we were up to a year ago today. I think it rather fitting that on our paper anniversary, Siôn has spent the last hour making origami flowers. 

Easter egg hunt tmrw - yay!
1ngi: (friendship)
posted by [personal profile] 1ngi at 01:06pm on 06/04/2009 under , , ,
Yesterday morning we woke to brilliant sunshine and the joyful sound of 'The Arrival of the Queen of Sheba' by Handel (example on youtube) when the alarm clock switched on the radio.

This filled us both with delight because later that day we knew we would hear that music again at the Civil Partnership of [livejournal.com profile] auntysarah  and [personal profile] the_local_echo .  I'm not superstitious but sometimes I take the opportunity to mark something as a 'good omen' by way of fostering positive thinking. It was an extraordinary coincidence and I took it to be auspicious.

I'm always taken by the idea that the mornings before weddings unite a group of people in the joint but separately experienced activities of getting ready. Across the city there would have been a bunch of wedding guests rushing breakfasts, faffing with hairdos and having last minute panics for the missing cufflinks. In my case it was busting a pair of tights with my thumb just as I hoiked them in to the last place around my waist. This resulted in me getting flustered and all sticky trying to put on a new pair at speed without laddering those too. Periodically I was thinking about our two friends and wondering how the hairstyling was going, or what kind of last minute flurries they would be experiencing.

We arrived at Magdalene College in good time and took our seats in the Benson Hall. There was a string quartet in the minstrel's gallery playing baroque classics which suited the age of the architecture perfectly. After the seats were all filled and the registrar caught the eye of one of the violinists, she asked the guests to be upstanding for the arrival of Sarah and Sylvia.
Read more... )

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